on the value of friendship

The dictionary defines the word 'friend' to mean: 1) a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard; 2) a person who gives assistance; a supporter; etc, etc. To me personally, besides these definitions, a friend is a present you give to yourself--he or she is someone you can count on when times get tough and someone you trust. Further, he or she is someone who has made such an impact on you, that you can't imagine your life without him or her. Now, call me idealistic, but beneath all these notions of what a friend is meant to be, I believe that there exists a certain level of responsibility amongst friends. Besides, without this "responsibility" between two individuals, they might as well just be acquaintances.

In terms of my friendships, I realize that the moment I feel hurt or betrayed by a friend, I have now become quick to shut them out of my life. Some might say that this is quite a drastic action on my part, especially having invested so much respect and concern on a person. Perhaps, it is the borderline in me that makes me do this or just another trait of my personality. But, I feel that I owe it to myself to do what I need to do to protect myself. Yes, I am able to forgive that person for the hurt they would have caused, but I am also not quick to forget.

If that friend were to question my reasons for writing him or her off, I would certainly give my reasons for doing so, as I feel that I would owe them an explanation for my actions. But if that friend continues to question my motives, I would then refuse to entertain their questions further--after all, why should I have to explain myself to a friend (out of all people)?

I think I am now at a stage in my life where I no longer try to please other people, but instead please myself and those I respect the most. And if for any reason I begin to feel that my efforts toward a friendship are not being reciprocated, that is where I would draw the line. I mean, why should I waste my time on someone who refuses to give me their time of day? Why should I only be acknowledged when it is convenient for a person to do so, or only when they want the company (of just anybody really)? Why should I put up with someone who refuses to take responsibility for our friendship? To this person, I say, "FUCK YOU!" My efforts would be better spent on others who need it more and on those whom I love.

At some moments, I feel that I may be too harsh on certain "friends". But at this point in time, I'd rather cherish those friends who accept me for who I am and who do not use me to get ahead. More than ever, I'd also rather protect myself from investing so much effort into a friendship, only to feel hurt once again.