It's been a long time since I last posted, and I do miss it dearly....
I hate to admit this but lately, I've been getting super strong urges to start bingeing and purging again.
Upon reflecting, I have managed to narrow down the root of these urges to one thing: my lack of control on my future.
I simply can't stand the thought of not knowing where I'll end up next year. This whole internship situation here in Australia absolutely frustrates me! (The situation is that international medical students are not guaranteed jobs when they graduate, contrary to what we were told when we started this program!)
In the past, for some reason that I cannot fathom, I compensated for this lack of control by stuffing myself silly, putting my fingers down my throat, and vomiting all the shit I've stuffed myself with down the toilet. I know this all sounds gross, but the feeling I get in being able to control what I can put in and what I can take out of my mouth leaves me feeling euphoric, that I forget what was bothering me in the first place. But, such euphoria is only temporary, and I soon find myself on the toilet bowl once again.
For the past two years however, I've been successful at keeping such urges at bay (though they never ceased to cross my mind), constantly reminding myself that keeping up this habit would make me a hypocrite. I mean, how will I be able to help girls battling eating disorders in the future when I can't even help myself?
Now that I'm on the brink of picking up this nasty way of coping, it can only mean one thing: I'm having trouble coping...
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