Dear Ex #5,
Our relationship has been the most difficult of all my relationships thus far. We started off as friends, became best buddies, and ended up as "lovers". If you asked me in first year, when we only just started to become friends, I never would have predicted that we would end up being together. You were engaged to be married to your girlfriend of five years and I was just starting to find my feet in a land far away from home. You even said that your first impression of me was "hard to read" and "cold"; know that I was this way to you because my first impression of you was of arrogance and foolishness.
And yet, somehow, a friendship blossomed between us. Looking back, I cannot fathom how this came to be, as I don't usually gravitate towards people like you. Somehow, you were able to penetrate the persona I am used to projecting towards people I hardly know; somehow, you found a way to know the real me in such a short amount of time. Eventually, our friendship reached the stage in which it was as if, we knew each other for much longer than we actually had.
I should have known that this was going to be the beginning of your betrayal. After all, I don't normally let people in that easily, especially if we've only met that same year. But, you allowed me to be myself and to feel comfortable around you--this was the basis of our friendship. You allowed me to speak my mind and you remained objective to whatever I had to say; you "kept it real" with me, which is what I look for in my friends. Most of all, you gave me a shoulder to cry on when I needed it most. I truly struggled settling in to this country, a land far away from my family and close friends. And yet somehow, you became that 'familiar' soul that I had been searching for, in such a new environment.
Before we both knew, our friendship had upgraded itself to a relationship. We both welcomed it open-heartedly, because it just felt so right at the time. I mean, is it not only natural for two close friends to eventually develop romantic feelings for each other? Of course it was! Yet, I should have known better.
I even broke up with my boyfriend at the time, whilst on a weekend getaway, just to be with you. Ex #4, who had been so supportive during the three months that we were seeing each other, was left heart-broken with my sudden and unexpected move. Imagine, how tormented he must have been to receive such news, on what was meant to be a romantic getaway for us, before I headed back to Canada for two months! Again, I only did it to be with you. I felt absolutely terrible for such an incredible hurt I had caused him. Karma sure nipped me in the ass when this ex shunned me after I tried to reconnect with him, during the early months of our second year of medical school.
We officially marked the beginning of our relationship on the 1st of January 2010. We were both in Canada then, and I can recall being so excited when you came to pick me up for an overnight in Niagara Falls. Herein, lies another mistake I had done: I spent the night alone with you in a hotel room, on the very first day that we began dating. I can reassure you that this is very uncharacteristic of me, as I normally like to wait a while after I begin dating a guy until I finally decide to sleep with him.
I should have also listened to my mother that very day you picked me up from my house to head to Niagara Falls. Did you know that after only a half hour of meeting you, she pulled me aside to tell me that she did not like you? When she said this, I went ballistic on her, because she hardly knew you and she didn't even give you the chance to get to know her better before making that call. I could not for the life of me figure out how she had come to that conclusion so easily, when from my eyes you seemed to have put forth a good first impression towards my parents. Then, we quickly headed off for Niagara without me even asking for their permission. Little did they know that I would be spending the night alone with you.
Fast-forward to our time back in Sydney, when we were finally away from the watchful eye of my parents. Remember how you'd ask me to stay over at your place every weekend? I absolutely refused at first! Just as sleeping with a guy on the first date was very uncharacteristic of me, so too was practically "living" in the guy's house for days on end. After much resistance, I finally gave in to your requests, just to avoid the fights we would find ourselves in. I had some toiletries and spare clothes that I would leave in your apartment--this was all very foreign to me. Looking back, I felt that this was your way of monitoring my activities and my interactions with others on weekends. After only a couple of weekends of staying over at your place, I certainly felt like a caged bird, though I quickly pushed such feelings aside. I even told you that I loved you early on in our relationship because you said it to me first, even though deep down I did not feel the same. Again, this is not characteristic of me at all!
And then came your attempts to control the people I could and could not spend time with. By the age of 23, I was pretty sure that I knew how to choose my friends. Yet, you insisted that I distance myself from certain characters whom you felt were not trustworthy. Again, in an effort to avoid getting into arguments with you, I followed your advice.
Last but not least were your attempts to control my activities. Remember when I told you that I was going to start up dragon boat racing again? And remember your response that I would only "start to make [myself] throw up from all the pressures of practice time commitments and our studies"? How dare you!! You had absolutely no right bringing up my eating disorder in order to dissuade me from taking up a sport that I loved and that gave me an escape from the demands of our program.
Fast-forward again when I was at the lowest point of my life. I was feeling really shit for a while, which contributed to our constant fights and arguments. Remember the night when we had such a big argument, that your neighbours heard us and let us know? I thought for sure that we were done that night and I even left your apartment with all my belongings. But, with your persistence and your promises to take better care of me, I came back to you only to find myself wanting to end my life altogether a few nights later. I do have to give you credit for pulling me off that balcony, as I was absolutely on the verge of taking my life. You convinced me to go to the Emergency Department, which led to myself being admitted to the Psych ward, where I stayed for 10 days. You consistently visited me every day and brought me food to eat (since the hospital food was just unbearable). You definitely made my stay in the ward that much more tolerable and you helped me to get myself better so that I can be released from the ward.
After only two days since my discharge, you did the unthinkable: you decided to end our relationship. How can you do such a thing, when I was still mentally vulnerable and given that I had only been discharged a few days prior? You cited your “exhaustion” from our relationship and my “unreadiness” for a relationship as reasons to break up. I can certainly understand your exhaustion, and for that I do apologise. But to say that I was unready for a relationship? That is absolutely absurd, since you’re the one who is fresh out of an engagement! Any other decent and recently disengaged guy would know better than to jump into another relationship right away.
At the very moment that those words left your mouth, I felt that my world had completely crumbled. I felt that I had no reasons left to live for: I was profoundly depressed, I let my eating disorder get the better of me, I had cut off the friends I considered as my supports in this new country, I was falling behind in my studies, and I was terribly homesick. I also felt betrayed by you for wanting to end this relationship. So, in my mind, I just wanted all this heartache to end, that I attempted again to end my life by jumping off the balcony. But, you were too stringent in keeping me from doing so and I fought you off for a very long time. Eventually, you could not handle my strength that you called the cops on me. Never in my life have I had to be handcuffed and escorted by the police to the hospital! This was obviously too much for you, because you injured your leg and cried a river in the process.
Both these attempts to end my life I had made because ultimately, I no longer knew myself. I changed myself too much to avoid fighting with you, that I lost my identity along the way. Let me tell you that nothing in this world hurts much more than no longer knowing yourself! At that time, I was a lost sheep and I felt incredibly alone.
Eventually, I put my life back together and had made the best efforts to move on. But, we both knew that there were residual feelings mutually and we soon found ourselves sneaking around to hide the fact that we were back together. We promised each other that this time, things would be different. I should have known that for as long as you insisted on having your way, things would be no different the second time around.
By June 2010, during my time back home in Toronto, I broke it off with you over the phone. I did not even wait until I was back in town with you face-to-face to end our relationship. I just knew that this relationship was toxic both to myself and to you. It was a difficult decision to come to, but I knew that it was the right thing for me to do.
On a final note, remember how you’d always tell me that I’d be “burning bridges” whenever I distance myself from certain people, for whatever reason it may be? Know that this is simply my way of choosing my friends, which I have every right to do for myself, instead of letting you do so for me.
Consider this bridge officially burned.
Sincerely,
Stronger than yesterday
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