I'm really dreading leaving Vancouver and heading back to Sydney after a few days. As mentioned in my previous post, I've really grown to like it in Vancouver. I've become really comfortable with my surroundings and I like this routine that I have down-pat daily. Not to mention, despite not knowing anyone immediately nearby, I haven't felt lonely as much as I thought I would. To me, this speaks volumes!!
I know I've got but a few months left (hopefully) until I finish my course and obtain my Medicine degree. But, I'm not looking forward to being back in Sydney all that much. You see, the funny thing is, despite being surrounded by people I have come to call as friends, I still feel quite lonely down under. I am terrified once again of feeling abandoned, as I have in the last year while living in Sydney. I can't stand feeling all alone and not knowing who to turn to. I'm pretty much surrounded mostly by my medical student classmates, whom, despite being on the verge of doctors, are very much self-serving, greedy, and arrogant. In fact, I've had to distance myself from a large proportion of these classmates, whom I initially thought of as my 'friends', because I just found myself to be so unhappy with the qualities of their 'friendships'. And because I've isolated myself to most of these colleagues, I ended up feeling lonely.
To top it all off, I just found out that a good friend of mine from Toronto, whom I've known since my teenage days, has decided to remain in Perth and to not return to Sydney. Last year, when I first found out that this friend of mine would be moving to Sydney, I was beyond ecstatic at the thought of having a friend from back home living nearby. I was also excited that I would finally have a friend who is not also in Medicine, which would be refreshing, as he would allow me to escape the dramas of medical students. But now, he's decided to stay in Perth, after originally heading over to visit his sister and her family for the holidays. He's even found a job there. Despite feeling happy for him over his achievements, I can't help but feel really sad and abandoned, even though I know full well that the latter is not the case at all. I was just really wanting a different sort of company, and one from whom I've known while growing up.
I suppose this is a case of me not wanting to leave Canada, my home. Absence certainly makes the heart grow fonder: for the past three years of living in Australia, I have really come to appreciate Canada, my home country, increasingly. Compared to when I first moved to Sydney and planned on staying there to do my post-graduate training, I now hope to do so here in Canada (in Vancouver or Toronto hopefully!).
I know it's really unfair of me to say that I feel alone in Sydney, when in fact, I do have a few friends there whom I consider dear. But, it's partly due to the fact that I have only really met these people in the last couple of years, and I feel that they don't really know me as well as the guys and twin I grew up with. Perhaps also it's the bad experiences I've endured in Sydney, that make me not want to go back, out of fear that I'd end up in the same low points in life as I was in when I tried to jump off the balcony.
Right now at least, all I can do is pray to God that it be a good year ahead in Sydney.
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