I keep coming back to this topic, only because I see a lot of patients come through our ward with this personality disorder. In fact, seeing these patients come in and out of our ward makes me realize that I myself can be hospitalized at any time. So, why is it that these patients are institutionalized while I am not? How did I come to be on the other side of it all (on the 'treating' side, rather than the 'being treated' side)? Without a doubt, I feel blessed that I am not currently in such a state that requires hospitalisation; but it also makes me uneasy that at any time, I can end up being hospitalised too.
Speaking to these patients really hits it home for me, as I do see myself in a lot of them. In actuality, prior to starting this elective, I knew that this would inevitably happen and I worried that I wouldn't be able to handle myself well. Surprisingly, not once have I found myself ready to crumble at the very words that hit a note within during these past few weeks. I wonder if this means that I'm finally beginning to have a stronger hold on my emotions, instead of "wearing" my heart on my sleeve, as everyone around me in Sydney so puts it.
This afternoon as well, I was given the opportunity to sit in on a "borderline personality support group", where patients with this personality disorder meet once every week with one another and with a psychiatrist to discuss their daily struggles with this disorder and to share strategies on how to cope. When I met the patients, I was surprised to see that the two that were present today were both well into their 50s, since most patients with this personality disorder who present to the hospital are typically in their early 20s to late 30s. Despite the fact that only two patients were present today, the doctor did tell me later that the numbers tend to vary by the week, depending on the emotional states of each patient.
Listening to these two women speak, I found it encouraging to see that they were able to cope with being a "borderline" even at their age. Moreover, being a "borderline" is not something that one can recover from over the years, as it is a personality disorder, which means it is innate. However, the doctor did clarify with me later that patients with this personality disorder do learn to "contain" these personality traits so that by the time they reach their 50s, they are no longer as suicidal and frequent presenters to hospital as they once were at a younger age. Learning of this brought me a lot of relief, as I really did worry about having to live with this personality disorder upon first being diagnosed.
So, my moral of the story is that I should really stop stigmatizing myself, thinking that I'm bound to end up in hospital millions of times in my next two decades, that all my future romantic relationships are doomed, and that I'll never get a handle on my emotions, being a "borderline" myself. After everything that's happened today, I feel that in a way, being a "borderline" might actually be a bit of a blessing; as "borderlines" we do see things in particular ways that most other non-personality-disordered people do not--and I think, that's special.
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